Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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