i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The air was thick with penises
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
