We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
