i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
