my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
