i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
