12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
