Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
