She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
