Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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