I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
