I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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