When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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