Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
