mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
