today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
