People in love make me want to vomit
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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