The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
