If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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