Who wears a wallet chain?!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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