I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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