Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
How's work?
Spinning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
