we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
