wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
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