Got a toothbrush?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
