Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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