trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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