I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
