proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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