dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
