1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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