we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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