i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
