remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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