You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
