He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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