dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"