yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
