Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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