; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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