No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
