I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
