You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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