My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
