the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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