Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
