so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
