dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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