I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
