I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You made out with two different species that night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
