I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
