the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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