Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
