youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
