it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
